Greetings to all, which would really mean - HI ROBYNN & possibly T! I titled this as such because you will never guess where I am. I really am out & about. This is being typed up at the World Cup on 21st & Fairlawn. If you have never visited - you should. Order the Cafe' Mocha w/whip! Sipping on one now along w/nibbling on a honey wheat beagel. (Is that right, you know the bread thing - not the dog in case I typed the word wrong.)
I am here as I just dropped of my 2nd oldest son. (TT as my wonderful friend would say...{and can you have TT inside a TT} 1 - TT is turtle trail...she is a turtle. No, not an ACTUAL turtle per se' but one non the less. A human turtle? 2 - I need to come up with something like that when I trail off on another course, as I am now. 3 - the whole reason I put the TT in the first place - do I put Phillip as my oldest boy when in actuallity Taylor is but did live with us? Enough babbling...
So I dropped off Phillip for a noon appt regarding Job Corps. It's in Manhattan, KS and is a federally funded program. I am mixed about that. Sorry we have to use it, glad it is there. I have one hour to spend before my appt at the same place (Topeka Work Center I think is the name of the place). Again, mixed about this one as it is also goverment funded but this is the place a lot of employers are going to to seek employees. Hence, the reason I am there. I applied for a job that sent me there to do some data entry and typing tests. Unless I am mistaken, this is basically a place like a temp agency but run by the govt. Does the employer have to pay as they would in an agency? I have not a clue but I will guess that if they do, it is a small fee compared to an actual one.
So a whole lot of nothing just to say - I am sitting at World Cup and typing on my blog and I think this is just about as cool as it can get. I LOVE IT! Very chic in my world. To bad (or actually - good) that we can not smoke in here. Can I resist it for another ten minutes? I think I can.
Christmas had just passed. It was a blessing. All my children were there. Though there were some pretty stressfull times, how can there not be when 1)it is my family and 2) because it is my family drama follows? but on the whole it was great! Drama and all. My daughter and her youngest spent the night, along with my other two boys. Christmas day - Taylor came and spent the afternoon and evening with us. So litterally - all my kids were there! How much of a blessing is THAT? I true present from our Lord.
Well, time to get more out and about and ready for the "test". I may or may not let you know what happens on here. As you can see - it is already pretty sparidic. (I hit the spell check but nothings seems to be happening and I know I didn't type this WITHOUT any errors - so please pardon the mis-spellings.)
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Dictating and living
At this point I don't have a title for this post and am hoping I won't forget to title when I am through. More then likely though I will. I also don't have a subject nor a lot of time to type. So why am? I guess I just wanted to say something. I actually have a lot to say about a lot of different subjects but as usual - to many thoughts on to many things causes me to freeze and not say anything at all. Which does not mean that I don't talk. OK, grabbing something out of the air - meeting today at 4:30. This is an AA meeting by the way. I know one of our traditions says we are to be anonymous about this stuff in press, radio and films but everyone seems to have a different idea on what this means. To me it means that I can not go broadcast the meetings nor say who was there or what was said exactly.
Anyway, the reading today it was saying something about partnership. Of course I can't remember everything about it but I did latch onto one word - dictates. I went and found my book that contains this reading. The sentence is: Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances! Of course, I hear "dictates" and being me, which is human, thinks two things at once, the old me which says "your NOT going to tell me how to do something" and the new me "this is the only way I can live".
I used to live by my own code, if you could call it that. Do things my way. I have realized that is not true. Most people live that way and think it is "their way or the highway" when in reality it is the world's way. Human nature to resist to what ever makes them feel uncomfortable at the moment. Be it real or imagined.
I know this is an sudden end to the post but like I said...I didn't know how much time I had and it obviously has come to an end.
Anyway, the reading today it was saying something about partnership. Of course I can't remember everything about it but I did latch onto one word - dictates. I went and found my book that contains this reading. The sentence is: Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances! Of course, I hear "dictates" and being me, which is human, thinks two things at once, the old me which says "your NOT going to tell me how to do something" and the new me "this is the only way I can live".
I used to live by my own code, if you could call it that. Do things my way. I have realized that is not true. Most people live that way and think it is "their way or the highway" when in reality it is the world's way. Human nature to resist to what ever makes them feel uncomfortable at the moment. Be it real or imagined.
I know this is an sudden end to the post but like I said...I didn't know how much time I had and it obviously has come to an end.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
unanswerable questions, answered prayers
Even if a response to a question is given it doesn't mean it is really answered. Even the person replying may not know the true explanation. This is where prayers come in.
I have no idea why someone does some of the things they do and to be honest, I don't know if I really want to know. What I do know is that God is absolute, ever ready and willing to provide for us when we are to lost to know we are. For this I am forever grateful. There was a time when I was lost and didn't know it.
I have since been found and with God's grace I hope to be able to speak with those that are still lost, even or more so, the ones that do not realize they are. One of my prayers to an unanswerable question had been answered on Sunday afternoon. I now ask the good Lord to provide me with courage and endurance (both of which I truly lack) to be able to talk with this lost one, if not to lead then at least to plant a seed.
May God be with this lost sheep and his family.
I have no idea why someone does some of the things they do and to be honest, I don't know if I really want to know. What I do know is that God is absolute, ever ready and willing to provide for us when we are to lost to know we are. For this I am forever grateful. There was a time when I was lost and didn't know it.
I have since been found and with God's grace I hope to be able to speak with those that are still lost, even or more so, the ones that do not realize they are. One of my prayers to an unanswerable question had been answered on Sunday afternoon. I now ask the good Lord to provide me with courage and endurance (both of which I truly lack) to be able to talk with this lost one, if not to lead then at least to plant a seed.
May God be with this lost sheep and his family.
Friday, October 22, 2010
But it is my family
I can guess at the gasps and/or groans that may come from the all of two readers that follow my post once they read what I am about to write. But it is my family, as the title proclaims, for all that I do wrong and sometimes right.
Tuesday we take our car into a shop to have the transmission looked at. Something we should have done BEFORE we bought the car (hindsight is wonder!). We didn't and now it will cost just two hundred less to repair than what we paid for the car. I won't get into a lot of detail here but it was a very stressful when my husband gets home, 30 minutes later than usual, from work to take my grandson to school. He is driving our other car - my beloved Abby. She is sick and does not want to be driven. She let him know this by sputtering and coughing all the way home. She is very insistent of wanting to stay home instead of on the road when we pile into her. Each time we try to start her, she would sigh heavily, answer in some way then go back to sleep. E barely made it to school on time. By the time we made it over to my morning visit with my dad, my husband was in a very foul mood. This is where I can honestly say that I love my dear Lord.
Even through out the news of the old car and knowing Abby is not well, I am at peace. He will not leave us hanging. Then through my husband stressful rants I know we will be OK. It was my turn to be the adult, look at life level headed and his turn to throw a fit. Truly - God really does only know how many times the situation was reversed - or worse, we both threw our fits at the same time. Back to what happened and the title.
We got a new car, by the way of Both my fathers. Heaven and earth. We looked around and came upon two difference options. Neither worked. So on Thursday, with my grandson out of school, we with out a car, we let our youngest son Daniel stay home from school to babysit as my dad took us around again to find a car.
We found a 1998 Olds with only 57,000 on it. The gentleman that sold it to us has worked with my dad before, a number of times actually. The car belong to his old friend's wife and had all the paper work on repairs and up keep. A bit more than what we had originally planned on paying but worth it. We also got home later than planned. Daniel and E did amazing during that time. The house wasn't cleaned and they were still in their PJ's at 2:30 in the afternoon but they had not argued and had a pretty good day together.
We were also able to attend the musical "Fiddler on the Roof" that was playing in Lawrence. We rushed around of course. And, standard to us - stress played a part. So much so that I gave up and decided that we were not going to be able to see it but with the new car, why not just go for the no reason drive? Even if I sulked all the way?
We made it, literally seconds before they would have shut the door and not allowed us in for the first act. We didn't make it home until 11:30 last night. E did amazing! He sat for 3 hours hardly disturbing the people around us. The way home was interesting as both the 14 year old and the 7 year old reverted to 3 year olds. Though when we got home E and I went to bed, Daniel and JB had a second wind and couldn't go to sleep. Daniel stayed home again today.
Reviewing yesterday I couldn't help but smile. I am TRULY blessed. It ended up being a family day. Albeit, not a picture perfect family - but it is my family. We pulled together, sacrificed for each other and ended it with love. With all the warts, the wrongs, the second guessing, this truly is my family.
Tuesday we take our car into a shop to have the transmission looked at. Something we should have done BEFORE we bought the car (hindsight is wonder!). We didn't and now it will cost just two hundred less to repair than what we paid for the car. I won't get into a lot of detail here but it was a very stressful when my husband gets home, 30 minutes later than usual, from work to take my grandson to school. He is driving our other car - my beloved Abby. She is sick and does not want to be driven. She let him know this by sputtering and coughing all the way home. She is very insistent of wanting to stay home instead of on the road when we pile into her. Each time we try to start her, she would sigh heavily, answer in some way then go back to sleep. E barely made it to school on time. By the time we made it over to my morning visit with my dad, my husband was in a very foul mood. This is where I can honestly say that I love my dear Lord.
Even through out the news of the old car and knowing Abby is not well, I am at peace. He will not leave us hanging. Then through my husband stressful rants I know we will be OK. It was my turn to be the adult, look at life level headed and his turn to throw a fit. Truly - God really does only know how many times the situation was reversed - or worse, we both threw our fits at the same time. Back to what happened and the title.
We got a new car, by the way of Both my fathers. Heaven and earth. We looked around and came upon two difference options. Neither worked. So on Thursday, with my grandson out of school, we with out a car, we let our youngest son Daniel stay home from school to babysit as my dad took us around again to find a car.
We found a 1998 Olds with only 57,000 on it. The gentleman that sold it to us has worked with my dad before, a number of times actually. The car belong to his old friend's wife and had all the paper work on repairs and up keep. A bit more than what we had originally planned on paying but worth it. We also got home later than planned. Daniel and E did amazing during that time. The house wasn't cleaned and they were still in their PJ's at 2:30 in the afternoon but they had not argued and had a pretty good day together.
We were also able to attend the musical "Fiddler on the Roof" that was playing in Lawrence. We rushed around of course. And, standard to us - stress played a part. So much so that I gave up and decided that we were not going to be able to see it but with the new car, why not just go for the no reason drive? Even if I sulked all the way?
We made it, literally seconds before they would have shut the door and not allowed us in for the first act. We didn't make it home until 11:30 last night. E did amazing! He sat for 3 hours hardly disturbing the people around us. The way home was interesting as both the 14 year old and the 7 year old reverted to 3 year olds. Though when we got home E and I went to bed, Daniel and JB had a second wind and couldn't go to sleep. Daniel stayed home again today.
Reviewing yesterday I couldn't help but smile. I am TRULY blessed. It ended up being a family day. Albeit, not a picture perfect family - but it is my family. We pulled together, sacrificed for each other and ended it with love. With all the warts, the wrongs, the second guessing, this truly is my family.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Rambling with a chance of thoughts
I have a wonderful friend that blogs pretty much everyday. Though I don't read her blogs on a consistent daily basis, I do go back and read the ones I missed. I enjoy them. She always has a point, lays it out very well and does it with humor.
I often think of things to blog about but when I do get the chance I go blank. I feel like I need to have a plan laid out before I start. Points that I want to highlight, examples to back them up (quotes would be good) so I end up freaking out and not doing anything at all.
I guess it could be said that I just need to write/type down what ever I am thinking of (like I am doing here) but my thoughts always seems so scattered I'm afraid that it will be projected here. In reality I really shouldn't be that worried about it. I am sure no one reads this and if they do, it is because they know me. If they know me then they know I am scatter brained. And no, I am not a blonde. Though my husband says that I have blonde roots.
I guess I feel that if I am to blog I need to have a subject to blog about. The only thing that I think I know about is myself and my family. Yet half the time (if not more) I am not really sure I do really know about those subjects.
You may ask - how in the world can you not know about yourself? I am in the process of getting to know myself. I thought at one point in my life I did. I found out that I really didn't have a clue. Once, in a RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults. I had to look up what it stood for.) the Sister that was leading it said "You have to stand for something or you will fall for everything". I thought I totally understood what she was talking about. Again, I found that I was wrong.
At that point in my life I thought I stood up for myself and my foundation, which I found out was made of sand. I can't say it was built on sand, well I guess I can. My foundation was built on sand and made of sand. NOTHING lasted when the waves came in. So really I stood for nothing and fell for everything.
I do now try to stand for something - Christ. He guides me now. And with Him as my compass life is better. It is only when I factor in myself that things get all screwed up. Like, when I know the next right thing to do would be clean house, so I can be of service to Christ. As a perk my family benefits. They like that. Thing is - I don't. I HATE cleaning house. It's boring, no one to talk to, takes effort and is never ending. Besides the fact that nothing has a home and nothing is in it's home.
I can make a mountain out of a mole hill very easily.
Now give me work out side the home and I can do that! Most of the time. Like 90% of the time. Everything has a home and everything is in it's home. There is a time line on when things need to be done. Hey - structure! That is maybe what I lack. BUT, it is structure that I don't have to create. It is already created for me so it gets done. Here, I need to do that myself. So, it doesn't get done. Self will run riot huh? See, factor in me and I can make a mess of it.
Whew, I think I need a nap after all that thinking!
I often think of things to blog about but when I do get the chance I go blank. I feel like I need to have a plan laid out before I start. Points that I want to highlight, examples to back them up (quotes would be good) so I end up freaking out and not doing anything at all.
I guess it could be said that I just need to write/type down what ever I am thinking of (like I am doing here) but my thoughts always seems so scattered I'm afraid that it will be projected here. In reality I really shouldn't be that worried about it. I am sure no one reads this and if they do, it is because they know me. If they know me then they know I am scatter brained. And no, I am not a blonde. Though my husband says that I have blonde roots.
I guess I feel that if I am to blog I need to have a subject to blog about. The only thing that I think I know about is myself and my family. Yet half the time (if not more) I am not really sure I do really know about those subjects.
You may ask - how in the world can you not know about yourself? I am in the process of getting to know myself. I thought at one point in my life I did. I found out that I really didn't have a clue. Once, in a RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults. I had to look up what it stood for.) the Sister that was leading it said "You have to stand for something or you will fall for everything". I thought I totally understood what she was talking about. Again, I found that I was wrong.
At that point in my life I thought I stood up for myself and my foundation, which I found out was made of sand. I can't say it was built on sand, well I guess I can. My foundation was built on sand and made of sand. NOTHING lasted when the waves came in. So really I stood for nothing and fell for everything.
I do now try to stand for something - Christ. He guides me now. And with Him as my compass life is better. It is only when I factor in myself that things get all screwed up. Like, when I know the next right thing to do would be clean house, so I can be of service to Christ. As a perk my family benefits. They like that. Thing is - I don't. I HATE cleaning house. It's boring, no one to talk to, takes effort and is never ending. Besides the fact that nothing has a home and nothing is in it's home.
I can make a mountain out of a mole hill very easily.
Now give me work out side the home and I can do that! Most of the time. Like 90% of the time. Everything has a home and everything is in it's home. There is a time line on when things need to be done. Hey - structure! That is maybe what I lack. BUT, it is structure that I don't have to create. It is already created for me so it gets done. Here, I need to do that myself. So, it doesn't get done. Self will run riot huh? See, factor in me and I can make a mess of it.
Whew, I think I need a nap after all that thinking!
Saturday, September 25, 2010
How do you help someone when the source of their pain is a part of you that you had nurtured and raised? Nurtured? No, if I had done that then there is a great possibility that the position we are in now would not be.
I can't blame all of it on myself but I did lay the faulty foundation that my daughter tries to build her life on. Due to that cracked upheaval landscape everything she tries to place upon it becomes uneven and lopsided. Now the faintest breeze causes splintered breaks and monumental crashes. So when the dust finally settles and the air is cleared my grandson is left standing covered in the settlement of my faults and disservice.
I look across that desolate field and ask myself "How can God turn this horrific event into good?" But I know He can, I know He will. It is only with that faith in His almighty power that allows me to cross over that rubble I had created so long ago and gently lift my little E into my arms and try to kiss those brandishing gashes left on him.
Only because of God's grace am I now able to look at what I had done, see where I am and know that my service to Him today can overcome all. What I need to remember in my tiny human brain is it will work in HIS time - not mine. God reminds me of this by reaching out and telling me through His other servants. This time it was on the radio program Turning Point.
The morning after a horror stricken evening with my grandson that left me in tears and him curled up with hurt, anxiousness and pain, I turned on the radio to hear this message from God...
Sometimes we get the prayer knocked right out of us. We become lost in what to say, how to ask or even how to do it. But He is still there. He knows and He is listening, even if I don't know what to say.
It was like that for me last Thursday night. I don't know what is going on inside my daughter, why she is distancing herself from her son. I do know, or think I know, it would be one of two reasons: 1) Other things have become a priority to her or 2) her pain is so great that she can not step out of it to see what it is doing to him. Either way the out come is the same - E is left with a hole in his heart that only God can fill.
My responsibility is to guide him on the path to God. E's responsibility is to follow that path. Only he can make that choice, it is only between him and God. I can not make it for him nor will I be a part of it when it happens. I can only share the witnessing of that wonderful relationship either here on earth or in heaven.
This causes anxiousness that permanents my heart and soul as my human mind wants to know now that he will chose this path. I want to know now that he will be safe and whole.
Roman 8:28. It helps some. Renews my faith and keeps my faith in God, for me. But what if E doesn't come to God? That is what I want to know, will he? This is a prayer that has not been knocked out of me.
I can't blame all of it on myself but I did lay the faulty foundation that my daughter tries to build her life on. Due to that cracked upheaval landscape everything she tries to place upon it becomes uneven and lopsided. Now the faintest breeze causes splintered breaks and monumental crashes. So when the dust finally settles and the air is cleared my grandson is left standing covered in the settlement of my faults and disservice.
I look across that desolate field and ask myself "How can God turn this horrific event into good?" But I know He can, I know He will. It is only with that faith in His almighty power that allows me to cross over that rubble I had created so long ago and gently lift my little E into my arms and try to kiss those brandishing gashes left on him.
Only because of God's grace am I now able to look at what I had done, see where I am and know that my service to Him today can overcome all. What I need to remember in my tiny human brain is it will work in HIS time - not mine. God reminds me of this by reaching out and telling me through His other servants. This time it was on the radio program Turning Point.
The morning after a horror stricken evening with my grandson that left me in tears and him curled up with hurt, anxiousness and pain, I turned on the radio to hear this message from God...
Sometimes we get the prayer knocked right out of us. We become lost in what to say, how to ask or even how to do it. But He is still there. He knows and He is listening, even if I don't know what to say.
It was like that for me last Thursday night. I don't know what is going on inside my daughter, why she is distancing herself from her son. I do know, or think I know, it would be one of two reasons: 1) Other things have become a priority to her or 2) her pain is so great that she can not step out of it to see what it is doing to him. Either way the out come is the same - E is left with a hole in his heart that only God can fill.
My responsibility is to guide him on the path to God. E's responsibility is to follow that path. Only he can make that choice, it is only between him and God. I can not make it for him nor will I be a part of it when it happens. I can only share the witnessing of that wonderful relationship either here on earth or in heaven.
This causes anxiousness that permanents my heart and soul as my human mind wants to know now that he will chose this path. I want to know now that he will be safe and whole.
Roman 8:28. It helps some. Renews my faith and keeps my faith in God, for me. But what if E doesn't come to God? That is what I want to know, will he? This is a prayer that has not been knocked out of me.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
emotionally zapped & replenished
My now 7 year old grandson has been officially/unofficially diagnosed with PTSD or DTD (Developmental Trauma Disorder). Unoffical as it is not on the DSM-IV but hopefully will be on number five. Yet there are studies out there that have helped me understand what is happening and what has happened to this wonderful unique little person.
In a nut shell he was raised in a volatile enviorment that has caused him to be in a constant state of anxiety and now views the world, and every thing in it, as a steady stream of imperilment. Well, that may not be entirely true. He isn't always now, there are brief periods that he knows he is safe but his thoughts are still tangled in a web of volience and destruction. A good example would be on the way to school today he lets out a shivered "ewww". His answer to my question of what was that about is "I just had a dream but I was awake, so an awake dream that I stuck my hand out the window to grab a gun that was hanging from a tree and my hand was cut off and there was blood every where."
Where does this come from? Why was he visulazing guns handing from a tree? Why did his hand get cut off? I already know where the blood comes from, that is E. Everything has blood in it. But nothing happened this morning that I can recall that would cause this kind of thinking. Does he think like this alot and just happened to share it with me?
Anyway, this was suppose to be about yesterday. This week just started his third week of school and so far it has been pretty good. Listening to the teacher way more than he did at the end of last year. No fights, no break downs. He is still working on his hand raising and waiting for the teacher to call him before he starts talking. Yet yesterday when we got home all the tension he had been pushing down came out. Anger was flying every where along with his paper work and words. Stomping around the house enough to cause the dog and the cat to go running for cover, even when he was two rooms away. Home work took 15 minutes on one problem that when he finally settled down took only, literally, 1 minute to complete three more. Oh, and dinner was not to his liking and he showed this to us by spitting the chewed up bite back on his plate. Needless to say - I was truly ready for bath & bed time.
Once he finished his shower he walks down stairs to give his grandpa/dad a kiss good night and says "when I was in my shower I said a prayer to God. I thanked Him for my mom (me) and for my dad (JB) and for Paco (our dog) and my bunny bear (his stuffed friend, or left lung) ." As much as I would like to say that I melted completely when he said this, I didn't. I will say though that it did cause me to take a breath and realize that God is working on him, he is changing and like him, prayed to God and thanked Him for granting me patient when I have none & for this amazing gift he brought into my life.
In a nut shell he was raised in a volatile enviorment that has caused him to be in a constant state of anxiety and now views the world, and every thing in it, as a steady stream of imperilment. Well, that may not be entirely true. He isn't always now, there are brief periods that he knows he is safe but his thoughts are still tangled in a web of volience and destruction. A good example would be on the way to school today he lets out a shivered "ewww". His answer to my question of what was that about is "I just had a dream but I was awake, so an awake dream that I stuck my hand out the window to grab a gun that was hanging from a tree and my hand was cut off and there was blood every where."
Where does this come from? Why was he visulazing guns handing from a tree? Why did his hand get cut off? I already know where the blood comes from, that is E. Everything has blood in it. But nothing happened this morning that I can recall that would cause this kind of thinking. Does he think like this alot and just happened to share it with me?
Anyway, this was suppose to be about yesterday. This week just started his third week of school and so far it has been pretty good. Listening to the teacher way more than he did at the end of last year. No fights, no break downs. He is still working on his hand raising and waiting for the teacher to call him before he starts talking. Yet yesterday when we got home all the tension he had been pushing down came out. Anger was flying every where along with his paper work and words. Stomping around the house enough to cause the dog and the cat to go running for cover, even when he was two rooms away. Home work took 15 minutes on one problem that when he finally settled down took only, literally, 1 minute to complete three more. Oh, and dinner was not to his liking and he showed this to us by spitting the chewed up bite back on his plate. Needless to say - I was truly ready for bath & bed time.
Once he finished his shower he walks down stairs to give his grandpa/dad a kiss good night and says "when I was in my shower I said a prayer to God. I thanked Him for my mom (me) and for my dad (JB) and for Paco (our dog) and my bunny bear (his stuffed friend, or left lung) ." As much as I would like to say that I melted completely when he said this, I didn't. I will say though that it did cause me to take a breath and realize that God is working on him, he is changing and like him, prayed to God and thanked Him for granting me patient when I have none & for this amazing gift he brought into my life.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
stupid feelings
I hate when thoughts just blind side me. I just had one come from left field and whacked me so hard upside the head that I can't go back to sleep. Hence, the reason I am up typing this at 11:30 at night.
I have been really missing my mother lately. Wanting to hear her voice, touch her, just be with her for one more moment. So really, why this realization came to me so hard is kind of bewildering. Maybe because I have been so consumed with myself that this remembrance had only one choice left...muscle it's way in.
In just 16 days it will have been a whole year that my mother had died. When I realized this a few moments ago my body went into over drive. My heart literally felt like it started to beat faster, my stomach flipped and my mind went blank. I felt like I passed through a black hole here on earth and came out the other side not knowing what to do. So I just layed there...stunned and in shock.
Then my thoughts start coming back...how am I suppose to feel? What do I feel? What do other people feel when the 1 year anniversary of their mother leaving approaches? Why do I think like this and what does it matter what other people feel?
I need to remember what a special friend has told me about feelings...they are neither right nor wrong - they just are. Of course, the next thing is how I react to them. But for now all I need to remember is that they just are. I don't need to react in any way.
My reaction, my immense desire, is to move away from and/or avoid feelings that are uncomfortable. You know, like this overwhelming sense of sadness that has consumed my being. I don't like it. I guess this is where I need to sit on my hands and wait. Better yet, get on my knees and pray.
Not for the sadness to leave but for the courage to feel it, move with it and let it be.
This is very difficult for me because I have never been one to sit and just feel. I prefer to think it through, figure out what needs to be done and then do what ever it is that takes me away from those feelings. HA! You thought I was going to say do what ever needs to be done...no, that isn't me, sorry. I don't naturally do the right thing, I do what ever it takes to get away from the feelings the fastest and easiest. Doing the next right thing isn't always the fastest OR the easiest. I guess you could say I am all about fast and easy. :o)
So I guess the next right thing to do at this moment is to go pray, be sad and just let the feelings be.
I have been really missing my mother lately. Wanting to hear her voice, touch her, just be with her for one more moment. So really, why this realization came to me so hard is kind of bewildering. Maybe because I have been so consumed with myself that this remembrance had only one choice left...muscle it's way in.
In just 16 days it will have been a whole year that my mother had died. When I realized this a few moments ago my body went into over drive. My heart literally felt like it started to beat faster, my stomach flipped and my mind went blank. I felt like I passed through a black hole here on earth and came out the other side not knowing what to do. So I just layed there...stunned and in shock.
Then my thoughts start coming back...how am I suppose to feel? What do I feel? What do other people feel when the 1 year anniversary of their mother leaving approaches? Why do I think like this and what does it matter what other people feel?
I need to remember what a special friend has told me about feelings...they are neither right nor wrong - they just are. Of course, the next thing is how I react to them. But for now all I need to remember is that they just are. I don't need to react in any way.
My reaction, my immense desire, is to move away from and/or avoid feelings that are uncomfortable. You know, like this overwhelming sense of sadness that has consumed my being. I don't like it. I guess this is where I need to sit on my hands and wait. Better yet, get on my knees and pray.
Not for the sadness to leave but for the courage to feel it, move with it and let it be.
This is very difficult for me because I have never been one to sit and just feel. I prefer to think it through, figure out what needs to be done and then do what ever it is that takes me away from those feelings. HA! You thought I was going to say do what ever needs to be done...no, that isn't me, sorry. I don't naturally do the right thing, I do what ever it takes to get away from the feelings the fastest and easiest. Doing the next right thing isn't always the fastest OR the easiest. I guess you could say I am all about fast and easy. :o)
So I guess the next right thing to do at this moment is to go pray, be sad and just let the feelings be.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Experiencing the Present
Obviously it seems that I was stuck in the past since I haven't posted for over a month. Like most things I start - I have great intentions, and we all know where THAT leads to.
No, actually I wasn't stuck in the past - I have been and still am experiencing the present to the best of my ability. Most days it is a wonderful experience but then there are the days that I just would prefer to hit the fast forward and move to the next. What I have learned in living in the present is that wishing to hit either the fast forward or the rewind buttons keeps me from learning what is happening in my life at that moment. Now that I understand that concept - I need to work on actually retaining that knowledge so I will quite making the same mistakes. That is now and always has been one of my major character defects.
This particular defect of mine has made life very interesting to say the least. I can honestly say that at times it has it's perks. I don't know how many times I have literally enjoyed for the first time something in life over and over simply because I forget about the previous experience! This can be good news for people I met over the course of my life because if you were not happy with the first impression you feel you presented to me - just wait a tad and reintroduce yourself to me and I will most likely form a different one.
It does have it's down falls though...my children know that I can easily forget that they are grounded. This isn't a good thing for them at all but, of course, they would argue that point. I've tried to write their names on the calendar to help remind me that they are not to go anywhere. Unfortunately that doesn't work when I forget to look at the calendar or worse, forget to write the name down.
I have learned though to go by my instincts instead of memory. I may forget a lot but my instincts retain all kinds of memory. But it is hard to explain why we should or shouldn't do something because I "feel" that is the way it is to go. 14 years old don't reason like that. Actually 6 years old and 42 years old don't either. At least the people in my home don't.
No, actually I wasn't stuck in the past - I have been and still am experiencing the present to the best of my ability. Most days it is a wonderful experience but then there are the days that I just would prefer to hit the fast forward and move to the next. What I have learned in living in the present is that wishing to hit either the fast forward or the rewind buttons keeps me from learning what is happening in my life at that moment. Now that I understand that concept - I need to work on actually retaining that knowledge so I will quite making the same mistakes. That is now and always has been one of my major character defects.
This particular defect of mine has made life very interesting to say the least. I can honestly say that at times it has it's perks. I don't know how many times I have literally enjoyed for the first time something in life over and over simply because I forget about the previous experience! This can be good news for people I met over the course of my life because if you were not happy with the first impression you feel you presented to me - just wait a tad and reintroduce yourself to me and I will most likely form a different one.
It does have it's down falls though...my children know that I can easily forget that they are grounded. This isn't a good thing for them at all but, of course, they would argue that point. I've tried to write their names on the calendar to help remind me that they are not to go anywhere. Unfortunately that doesn't work when I forget to look at the calendar or worse, forget to write the name down.
I have learned though to go by my instincts instead of memory. I may forget a lot but my instincts retain all kinds of memory. But it is hard to explain why we should or shouldn't do something because I "feel" that is the way it is to go. 14 years old don't reason like that. Actually 6 years old and 42 years old don't either. At least the people in my home don't.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Looking back...
I have been reborn. It could be taken that I am a reborn Christian, reborn human, reborn woman or even a reborn ingenuous, which would be more like it. Either way I have been reborn. The great part is it only took 42 years! Actually - 40 years in the making and 2 years labor and delivery.
My physical birthday is July 29, 1967. I am not sure what I was like when I first appeared. According to my mother I was a great baby but I really can’t rely on that because she was a little partial to that time in her life and may have looked back on it with some serious rose-colored glasses. My first memories are almost Norman Rockwell like. Playing in the snow with my father and older sister, mom leaning out the door to let us know that hot chocolate is ready. Taking walks with my father and holding his hand as bright yellow, red and orange leaves flutter about. Watching my dad run ahead of us pulling our sled down the middle of the snowed covered street. Swinging on the swings in our back yard with the sun’s golden rays beaming on the withered grass, pockets of yellow dandelions swaying in the breeze. Slinking out of bed when we were to be taking our naps.
With these memories I feel the sensations of the weather, the bedsprings, the noise but I cannot tell you how I felt. All of them seem like out of body snap shots of someone’s life. I am observing but not participating. Even most of the unpleasant memories are like this. I can guess how I feel but that is more of a common sense guess then an I know I felt this way. Take for instance the time my Tia Sabina made me walk to school in kindergarten by myself. I can see myself standing there telling her mom said noon and she is telling me nine. Next I see myself walking to school in no particular hurry swishing a stick around. Next I am walking into the kindergarten room where the teacher is playing the piano and kids are sitting around her singing B-I-N-G-O or Farmer in the Dell. I hear the music stop and see all the eyes looking towards the door with the notes last played on the piano slowly fading towards to the ceiling. Common sense tells me that I probably was scared, embarrassed and more then likely wanting to crawl under a rock and hide. But each snap shot is from behind a camera of some sort. I see Tia standing there and I see and hear the clock. The scene where I am walking is from across the street, I can actually see myself. The kindergarten situation I can see things from the right side of the classroom, almost to the north wall near the supply closet (which isn’t anywhere near the doorway) but I cannot see what everyone is looking at. Only that everything stopped and they are now staring. Senses but no feeling. Do other people remember this way?
The feelings that I do conjure up are dread, fearfulness and a wish to be invisible. I felt this way all the way up to 6th grade. Always observing and feeling the heaviness of doom and wanting to be there but with no attention on me. It really didn’t matter where I was. Home, grandma’s house, school or church.
I guess I can’t say quite it was always like that….there are some memories that I felt (saw) some good times. Rushing to my aunt’s house when grade school let out to watch “Monster Week”. Then going outside to reenact the Godzilla shows. Running down her basement stairs with my cousin Daniel behind me telling me to “hurry up Hasenpepper!” or some other word he picked up from a Bugs Bunny cartoon that struck him funny. Racing down the alley from her house to school and laughing because the “big bad dog” behind the fence didn’t catch us. I really don’t even know what or if there really was a man-eating dog there. It was just something my cousin’s would always tell me when we got to that point and they would run like hell, so I did too. I do know I felt fear then and exultation when we made it.
My physical birthday is July 29, 1967. I am not sure what I was like when I first appeared. According to my mother I was a great baby but I really can’t rely on that because she was a little partial to that time in her life and may have looked back on it with some serious rose-colored glasses. My first memories are almost Norman Rockwell like. Playing in the snow with my father and older sister, mom leaning out the door to let us know that hot chocolate is ready. Taking walks with my father and holding his hand as bright yellow, red and orange leaves flutter about. Watching my dad run ahead of us pulling our sled down the middle of the snowed covered street. Swinging on the swings in our back yard with the sun’s golden rays beaming on the withered grass, pockets of yellow dandelions swaying in the breeze. Slinking out of bed when we were to be taking our naps.
With these memories I feel the sensations of the weather, the bedsprings, the noise but I cannot tell you how I felt. All of them seem like out of body snap shots of someone’s life. I am observing but not participating. Even most of the unpleasant memories are like this. I can guess how I feel but that is more of a common sense guess then an I know I felt this way. Take for instance the time my Tia Sabina made me walk to school in kindergarten by myself. I can see myself standing there telling her mom said noon and she is telling me nine. Next I see myself walking to school in no particular hurry swishing a stick around. Next I am walking into the kindergarten room where the teacher is playing the piano and kids are sitting around her singing B-I-N-G-O or Farmer in the Dell. I hear the music stop and see all the eyes looking towards the door with the notes last played on the piano slowly fading towards to the ceiling. Common sense tells me that I probably was scared, embarrassed and more then likely wanting to crawl under a rock and hide. But each snap shot is from behind a camera of some sort. I see Tia standing there and I see and hear the clock. The scene where I am walking is from across the street, I can actually see myself. The kindergarten situation I can see things from the right side of the classroom, almost to the north wall near the supply closet (which isn’t anywhere near the doorway) but I cannot see what everyone is looking at. Only that everything stopped and they are now staring. Senses but no feeling. Do other people remember this way?
The feelings that I do conjure up are dread, fearfulness and a wish to be invisible. I felt this way all the way up to 6th grade. Always observing and feeling the heaviness of doom and wanting to be there but with no attention on me. It really didn’t matter where I was. Home, grandma’s house, school or church.
I guess I can’t say quite it was always like that….there are some memories that I felt (saw) some good times. Rushing to my aunt’s house when grade school let out to watch “Monster Week”. Then going outside to reenact the Godzilla shows. Running down her basement stairs with my cousin Daniel behind me telling me to “hurry up Hasenpepper!” or some other word he picked up from a Bugs Bunny cartoon that struck him funny. Racing down the alley from her house to school and laughing because the “big bad dog” behind the fence didn’t catch us. I really don’t even know what or if there really was a man-eating dog there. It was just something my cousin’s would always tell me when we got to that point and they would run like hell, so I did too. I do know I felt fear then and exultation when we made it.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Raising a child is hard work with lots of rewards. Raising a child who is ADHD and possible ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) is overwelming with few rewards. Though, to be honest, from what I have experienced the rewards are very BIG. Maybe it is because they are so few and far between.
I am speculating on the ODD. Officially he has been diagnosed with PDD/NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder), ADHD and Behavior something or other Disorder. PDD is on the huge spectrum of Autism. Aspergers is what they are thinking. At this point it doesn't really matter what disorder they call it - I just want to know how to reach him so he is not so angry all the time.
I love this little guy so much. My heart hurts when his anger raises up and he starts to lash out. How terrible it would be to be living always ready to fight, thinking everyone is out to get you and your only defense is to attack first. To truly believe that no one loves you no matter what they say or how they treat you.
I just want to pluck that demonic seed out of him so he can see how wonderful life really is. Or maybe selfishly so I can see him smile and laugh because he is enjoying life. Oh, to hear him laugh is the most wonderous sound that the good Lord has ever made.
I am speculating on the ODD. Officially he has been diagnosed with PDD/NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder), ADHD and Behavior something or other Disorder. PDD is on the huge spectrum of Autism. Aspergers is what they are thinking. At this point it doesn't really matter what disorder they call it - I just want to know how to reach him so he is not so angry all the time.
I love this little guy so much. My heart hurts when his anger raises up and he starts to lash out. How terrible it would be to be living always ready to fight, thinking everyone is out to get you and your only defense is to attack first. To truly believe that no one loves you no matter what they say or how they treat you.
I just want to pluck that demonic seed out of him so he can see how wonderful life really is. Or maybe selfishly so I can see him smile and laugh because he is enjoying life. Oh, to hear him laugh is the most wonderous sound that the good Lord has ever made.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Early morning spring time
I am truly enjoying the warmer weather! It has increased my energy and more importantly - my mood! I am sure my family prefers this over the Ms. Grumpy Gill that I can become. I was up way to early this morning - 4:30. Of course I went back to bed about 5:15 or so but while I was up I could hear the birds starting to wake up and greet this delicious spring day. A marvelous cool breeze came through the windows lightly as the stars still twinkled brightly in the sky. And the sound of a distant train rumbled in the open air. LOVED it!
The reason I was up was not so lovely though. My littlest had an upset tummy and spent pretty much most of that time in the bathroom. He was not enjoying the beginings of the spring morning. In his world everything was going wrong - namly his tummy. I would not be surprised if neighbors were awaken by his frustation.
This guy cracks me up (in between the times I want to pull my hair out). Spaced between his screams (yes, screams) of not being able to get up from the commode he would give me details of what he thought the sounds were like. It was anywhere between a waterfall to rocks falling down a muddy mountain. As much as the subject was a tad disgusting I have been trying to get him to use good imformative words. He did well.
Not sure what the problem was as he is healthy now and running amok in his usually manner. Thank you God for Oasis! He will be attending there this afternoon.
The reason I was up was not so lovely though. My littlest had an upset tummy and spent pretty much most of that time in the bathroom. He was not enjoying the beginings of the spring morning. In his world everything was going wrong - namly his tummy. I would not be surprised if neighbors were awaken by his frustation.
This guy cracks me up (in between the times I want to pull my hair out). Spaced between his screams (yes, screams) of not being able to get up from the commode he would give me details of what he thought the sounds were like. It was anywhere between a waterfall to rocks falling down a muddy mountain. As much as the subject was a tad disgusting I have been trying to get him to use good imformative words. He did well.
Not sure what the problem was as he is healthy now and running amok in his usually manner. Thank you God for Oasis! He will be attending there this afternoon.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
God does not have grandchilden
How many times can someone start, delete and start typing on their blog? So far I am at five. We will have to see if this one gets posted.
For the past two years I have been learning how to deal with life on life's term. I marvel at my wonderful friend - she seems to know how to instictivly do this. Even as a child she was able to look at herself and see what she was, what she was doing and either do something about it or accept it. I on the other hand am just learning this. But this is to be about life on life's terms, not self-evaluation.
I have come to understand that there is a season and a reason under the guidence of God. I do comprehend (and am VERY grateful) that He will not abandon me and will guide me through all that is placed before me. Even when I cause the problem myself! I also know that I may never get to see the fruits of His plan, which causes me all kinds of frustation at times.
A special friend has repeatedly told me that God does not have grandchilden. I would smile, agree and nod my head. About a month ago I finally realized what she was meaning. I was watching my littlest sleeping, my heart hurting because he is such a beautiful child yet has so much rage and confusion in his little life. Questions mounting larger in my head of what do I do to help this tiny person? How can I be sure that he gets a better chance at life? How do I guide him, teach him, show him how to handle life? So much he has seen and lived - how do I reach him in that dark corner that he so often goes to when he is overwelmed?
God does not have grandchildren. I finally get it. I do what I can with what I have at this point in my life. God will take care of him. My littlest is not really mine...he is God's. I, for what ever reason, was chosen by God to raise this precious boy. Obviously God has more faith in me than I do. And though the light bulb went on for me that day, I still struggle with life on life's terms.
For the past two years I have been learning how to deal with life on life's term. I marvel at my wonderful friend - she seems to know how to instictivly do this. Even as a child she was able to look at herself and see what she was, what she was doing and either do something about it or accept it. I on the other hand am just learning this. But this is to be about life on life's terms, not self-evaluation.
I have come to understand that there is a season and a reason under the guidence of God. I do comprehend (and am VERY grateful) that He will not abandon me and will guide me through all that is placed before me. Even when I cause the problem myself! I also know that I may never get to see the fruits of His plan, which causes me all kinds of frustation at times.
A special friend has repeatedly told me that God does not have grandchilden. I would smile, agree and nod my head. About a month ago I finally realized what she was meaning. I was watching my littlest sleeping, my heart hurting because he is such a beautiful child yet has so much rage and confusion in his little life. Questions mounting larger in my head of what do I do to help this tiny person? How can I be sure that he gets a better chance at life? How do I guide him, teach him, show him how to handle life? So much he has seen and lived - how do I reach him in that dark corner that he so often goes to when he is overwelmed?
God does not have grandchildren. I finally get it. I do what I can with what I have at this point in my life. God will take care of him. My littlest is not really mine...he is God's. I, for what ever reason, was chosen by God to raise this precious boy. Obviously God has more faith in me than I do. And though the light bulb went on for me that day, I still struggle with life on life's terms.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
My first and hopefully not last blog
Hello world! When I set out to set this up I thought I had something to say but once I commenced on entering here I was provided with so many decisions that my thoughts have now been scattered. Hence - the reason I am now just jabbering. Maybe, hopefully, I will not get discouraged and not return.
I have a wonderful friend who blogs once a day. I may not follow that but am hoping that I will return frequently enough to update whom ever decides to visit. My writing is nothing special, you probably will not get insightful information or a big laugh when you visit. I'm just a person who thought it would be fun to adventure out into the virtal world and see what was happening (and of course along the way leave a bit of my thoughts). I know everyone is just anxious to see what my thoughts are. heheheheh
I am also sure that my wonderful friend will let me know when I have goofed with my grammer or spelling (she will do it lovingly though) so to who ever is reading this know that I already have an editor on my side. She will do a wonderful job.
I guess that is it for now...
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