I hate when thoughts just blind side me. I just had one come from left field and whacked me so hard upside the head that I can't go back to sleep. Hence, the reason I am up typing this at 11:30 at night.
I have been really missing my mother lately. Wanting to hear her voice, touch her, just be with her for one more moment. So really, why this realization came to me so hard is kind of bewildering. Maybe because I have been so consumed with myself that this remembrance had only one choice left...muscle it's way in.
In just 16 days it will have been a whole year that my mother had died. When I realized this a few moments ago my body went into over drive. My heart literally felt like it started to beat faster, my stomach flipped and my mind went blank. I felt like I passed through a black hole here on earth and came out the other side not knowing what to do. So I just layed there...stunned and in shock.
Then my thoughts start coming back...how am I suppose to feel? What do I feel? What do other people feel when the 1 year anniversary of their mother leaving approaches? Why do I think like this and what does it matter what other people feel?
I need to remember what a special friend has told me about feelings...they are neither right nor wrong - they just are. Of course, the next thing is how I react to them. But for now all I need to remember is that they just are. I don't need to react in any way.
My reaction, my immense desire, is to move away from and/or avoid feelings that are uncomfortable. You know, like this overwhelming sense of sadness that has consumed my being. I don't like it. I guess this is where I need to sit on my hands and wait. Better yet, get on my knees and pray.
Not for the sadness to leave but for the courage to feel it, move with it and let it be.
This is very difficult for me because I have never been one to sit and just feel. I prefer to think it through, figure out what needs to be done and then do what ever it is that takes me away from those feelings. HA! You thought I was going to say do what ever needs to be done...no, that isn't me, sorry. I don't naturally do the right thing, I do what ever it takes to get away from the feelings the fastest and easiest. Doing the next right thing isn't always the fastest OR the easiest. I guess you could say I am all about fast and easy. :o)
So I guess the next right thing to do at this moment is to go pray, be sad and just let the feelings be.
