Looking back...

I have been reborn. It could be taken that I am a reborn Christian, reborn human, reborn woman or even a reborn ingenuous, which would be more like it. Either way I have been reborn. The great part is it only took 42 years! Actually - 40 years in the making and 2 years labor and delivery.

My physical birthday is July 29, 1967. I am not sure what I was like when I first appeared. According to my mother I was a great baby but I really can’t rely on that because she was a little partial to that time in her life and may have looked back on it with some serious rose-colored glasses. My first memories are almost Norman Rockwell like. Playing in the snow with my father and older sister, mom leaning out the door to let us know that hot chocolate is ready. Taking walks with my father and holding his hand as bright yellow, red and orange leaves flutter about. Watching my dad run ahead of us pulling our sled down the middle of the snowed covered street. Swinging on the swings in our back yard with the sun’s golden rays beaming on the withered grass, pockets of yellow dandelions swaying in the breeze. Slinking out of bed when we were to be taking our naps.

With these memories I feel the sensations of the weather, the bedsprings, the noise but I cannot tell you how I felt. All of them seem like out of body snap shots of someone’s life. I am observing but not participating. Even most of the unpleasant memories are like this. I can guess how I feel but that is more of a common sense guess then an I know I felt this way. Take for instance the time my Tia Sabina made me walk to school in kindergarten by myself. I can see myself standing there telling her mom said noon and she is telling me nine. Next I see myself walking to school in no particular hurry swishing a stick around. Next I am walking into the kindergarten room where the teacher is playing the piano and kids are sitting around her singing B-I-N-G-O or Farmer in the Dell. I hear the music stop and see all the eyes looking towards the door with the notes last played on the piano slowly fading towards to the ceiling. Common sense tells me that I probably was scared, embarrassed and more then likely wanting to crawl under a rock and hide. But each snap shot is from behind a camera of some sort. I see Tia standing there and I see and hear the clock. The scene where I am walking is from across the street, I can actually see myself. The kindergarten situation I can see things from the right side of the classroom, almost to the north wall near the supply closet (which isn’t anywhere near the doorway) but I cannot see what everyone is looking at. Only that everything stopped and they are now staring. Senses but no feeling. Do other people remember this way?

The feelings that I do conjure up are dread, fearfulness and a wish to be invisible. I felt this way all the way up to 6th grade. Always observing and feeling the heaviness of doom and wanting to be there but with no attention on me. It really didn’t matter where I was. Home, grandma’s house, school or church.

I guess I can’t say quite it was always like that….there are some memories that I felt (saw) some good times. Rushing to my aunt’s house when grade school let out to watch “Monster Week”. Then going outside to reenact the Godzilla shows. Running down her basement stairs with my cousin Daniel behind me telling me to “hurry up Hasenpepper!” or some other word he picked up from a Bugs Bunny cartoon that struck him funny. Racing down the alley from her house to school and laughing because the “big bad dog” behind the fence didn’t catch us. I really don’t even know what or if there really was a man-eating dog there. It was just something my cousin’s would always tell me when we got to that point and they would run like hell, so I did too. I do know I felt fear then and exultation when we made it.

Raising a child is hard work with lots of rewards.  Raising a child who is ADHD and possible ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) is overwelming with few rewards.  Though, to be honest, from what I have experienced the rewards are very BIG. Maybe it is because they are so few and far between.

I am speculating on the ODD.  Officially he has been diagnosed with PDD/NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder), ADHD and Behavior something or other Disorder.  PDD is on the huge spectrum of Autism.  Aspergers is what they are thinking.  At this point it doesn't really matter what disorder they call it - I just want to know how to reach him so he is not so angry all the time. 

I love this little guy so much.  My heart hurts when his anger raises up and he starts to lash out.  How terrible it would be to be living always ready to fight, thinking everyone is out to get you and your only defense is to attack first.  To truly believe that no one loves you no matter what they say or how they treat you.

I just want to pluck that demonic seed out of him so he can see how wonderful life really is.  Or maybe selfishly so I can see him smile and laugh because he is enjoying life.  Oh, to hear him laugh is the most wonderous sound that the good Lord has ever made. 

Early morning spring time

I am truly enjoying the warmer weather!  It has increased my energy and more importantly - my mood!  I am sure my family prefers this over the Ms. Grumpy Gill that I can become.  I was up way to early this morning - 4:30.  Of course I went back to bed about 5:15 or so but while I was up I could hear the birds starting to wake up and greet this delicious spring day.  A marvelous cool breeze came through the windows lightly as the stars still twinkled brightly in the sky.  And the sound of a distant train rumbled in the open air.  LOVED it!

The reason I was up was not so lovely though.  My littlest had an upset tummy and spent pretty much most of that time in the bathroom.  He was not enjoying the beginings of the spring morning.  In his world everything was going wrong - namly his tummy.  I would not be surprised if neighbors were awaken by his frustation. 

This guy cracks me up (in between the times I want to pull my hair out).  Spaced between his screams (yes, screams) of not being able to get up from the commode he would give me details of what he thought the sounds were like.  It was anywhere between a waterfall to rocks falling down a muddy mountain.  As much as the subject was a tad disgusting I have been trying to get him to use good imformative words.  He did well. 

Not sure what the problem was as he is healthy now and running amok in his usually manner.  Thank you God for Oasis!  He will be attending there this afternoon.